telemark jo's french letter - direct from the depths of courchevel

Tan Loss Crisis Hits Top Ski Resort

Panic Stricken Workers take desperate measures in a last ditch attempt to hold the end of season suntan.

Latest update……

The sale of fake tan has been on the rise for some few weeks now here in the resort of a 1000 poodles. Reports of worsening shortages, deepening queues at pharmacie doors and a crowd control situation so flammable, the mere mention of the word bronzage could incite a riot - this is Courchevel today. 

Following weeks of  cloud build up on all fronts, occasional storms relieved by only the briefest glimpse of le soleil, the situation amongst the peoples of this once glowing mountain resort is now at crisis point. Whilst the majority of workers here have resigned themselves to sit this one out until an escape is made possible or until new supplies arrive by foreign aid workers, themselves under extreme duress in this UVA free environment, some, unable to withstand the daily loss of natural tan, have taken to rebellion and counter attacks. The French have taken to blockading pharmacie exits, the Brits have been consuming copious amounts of  beers, shouting at foreigners and arse-exposure whilst the Dutch have started a continuous dance-in to some of the worst eighties disco ever heard on this planet. Each nationality is making its voice of suffering heard in its own peculiar way.

Some, unable to face the shame of returning to their native land with no tan and no glasses marks, have escaped early to the deep south. Others have concocted strange chemical mixtures reported to give that haggard, unevenly-bronzed, wrinkly look associated with the end of season worker. The black market supply of fake tan products is booming - several new millionaires have emerged, rich on the pickings of Ambre Solaire, Lancome and even Body Shop. Abandoned BBQ sets litter the streets, parasols hang limply over empty garden furniture and the remains of discarded picnics lie half buried on the slopes - a desolate picture.

Let us send our thoughts out to these pale-skinned, under-paid, hungover, shagged out people and pray they have the strength to wait for this long overdue change in the meteo. Charity shops in your area are now accepting donations of gravy brownings, old tea bags and, in larger branches only, skid marks.

Other News Just In

The gang of four have completed another record breaking tour of the area and are now safely on their way to the next venue. This year's whirlwind escapade saw the McJesus Quartet consume an astonishing 368 litres of toffee vodka in the space of just a month. The highlight of this ground breaking surround sound system however has to be the annihilation of more Slodge Cocktail in one astonishing episode by the man Hutch than has ever been witnessed in modern times. Starsky, the man with the tartan tongue, amazed and dazzled us with his very Fast commentary and even more rapid turnover of some of the finest…aaagh…Cairo!…to be found in Les Trois Vallees. He was, of course, very, very drunk.  The Captain of Caustic Comment proved that life can be continued from an almost entirely horizontal position whilst starting a tirade that nearly crumbled T(he) Wall. 19 - 13. All to the sound of distant drums keeping a steady rhythm at least twice a day. Echtgeil!

• The Son of God is currently making his second coming all over this area. Ooooogh!

• The skivolving Scots lassie is finally getting the attentions of a good man. Nice!

• Le Praz is reportedly losing Le Bang Bang to Les Enfants Terribles. Will we notice the difference?  Will Michel keep bearing his polars or is he hibernating?   

• A Herb garden has been growing quietly down the hill and is now available in all good bars in 1650, if you know the right Signals.  Strictly for adults only.

• Short legs MacGregor  has kept a continuous and worsening stream of obnoxiousness flowing all season at the Jumpsters and is in danger of being known as an arrogant ucnt…

• The Company at 1650 proved quite categorically that bubbles don’t always go up and occasionally come crashing down to earth. Whoops!

 And finally for all you hitch hikers out there…the answer’s not 42. It may be 22 or 24 or even 28… Only time will tell or SPTV…

Hasta la vista babies

Telemark Jo

April 14

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